Disembodied

In response to The Daily Post’s writing prompt: “Out of Reach.”

Write about the one X that got away – a person, an experience, a place you wanted to visit. How much would you change about your life to have it within reach again?

One of the things that came to mind when I read this was childhood innocence. Innocence is a very loaded word, and I’m not in a hurry to stick it in anywhere, least of all in my infant blog. But my childhood was not filled with the naïve happiness that characterizes baby albums. I remember the days I’d walk home from school crying – over what, I can’t recall. And I remember sitting at the stairway of my flat, shoveling in Twisties. The empty packets would litter the floor when I was through.

I ate compulsively. I hid it from my parents. The day the school nurse told me I was borderline overweight, I learnt I was fat; I learnt what that meant and more importantly, what it implied. I exercised and watched my diet. I lost weight, but remained chubby. When I turned sixteen, deciding to have it over and done with I obsessed over food and exercise. I lost weight, turned underweight, but also lost some of my sanity.

Eventually I had a long talk with my parents, and slowly began to eat normally again. Now I eat like any other person. My weight is normal, but a little high, as such things tend to be post-recovery. I nearly always win the fight not to purge – a battle made easier by the fact that the last time I tried, I vomited blood. No more after that. But this isn’t a blog about eating disorders.

If I could have it back again? I want the body I had post-junk food. I want the body that responded to food with happiness instead of anxiety, that didn’t cling to fat because it had known starvation. I want a body that is free and light, swift and strong. I would give…too much to have it back again. I would give (anything, anything, but that is too cliché!) nearly anything.

The funny thing is that my desire is as palpable as the air leaving my nose, and yet the solution is simple. Eat right and exercise, 80-20 in importance respectively. That’s all. So why haven’t I got it yet?

Because my body rebels when it’s hungry, because the bad habits from starvation – not being able to stop eating once I start – are hard to break. And yet these things are not insurmountable: I could stop snacking, since one snack inevitably turns into a plateful; have full meals and not snacks.

I could plan my meals, since I do follow plans once they’re made. It’s not that hard to cook good food! I said I would do anything, so I can certainly cook! I even have a maid to help me.

The 20% of exercise is, I believe, pretty much fulfilled by all the running around I do in the wards. And hell, there is a lot of standing and walking. Probably why doctors are usually thin.

Well, it seems like I have a plan, doesn’t it? It goes something like this:

  • Eat well (80%) and exercise (20%).
  • Plan your meals and eat full meals instead of snacks.

And voila! This post has turned into a life changing first step!

Love,

Y.

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4 thoughts on “Disembodied

  1. Good luck with your plan, sounds easy enough but we all know nothing is easy! Remind yourself why you’re doing it and what you want to achieve. And never punish yourself for slipping, tell yourself to do better next time.

    Liked by 1 person

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